can they feel it?
they say that keeping old junk around serves no purpose, but as i carried my teapot and teacup over to the coffee table i couldn't help but smile, recalling the faces of my grandmothers, both of whom passed away in the last 10 years or so. smiling stupidly to myself, my heart welling a little bit, i wonder if they can feel me reminiscing about them. i wonder if Mum smiles seeing me use a teapot and a teacup after the horrifying moment in second year when i served her tea in a coffee mug with a teabag floating in it. she made me start all over with a teapot. the look on her face actually flustered me and made me scramble around the kitchen making it right. i think she must have wondered then just who this granddaughter was and what the heck kind of education was i getting.
i have always secretly wished i would acquire a taste for whiskey, so i could share the satisfaction Gran seemed to get from her glass of whiskey "and a fag" on the deck before bed every night. i'll never get it. the stuff tastes like poison.
and i still remember staring at Grampa's horny, dried old thumb and trying to see the green that he told me was in it. i convinced myself that it was in fact a bit green, and it probably was, given the amount of time he spent in his rose garden. always beautiful, it was, and his slightly stooped frame moved in and out of his green house and amongst the roses in the back yard.
i can still conjure up the smell of the barn in penticton. sweeping up the sawdust seemed like the greatest job in the world with Bill in his ratty old sweatshirt at the saw cutting 2 by 4s for something, using his stub of a pencil to make important marks and then tuck it behind his ear again. it was a crisp, cold smell, strong with the scent of cut wood and a hint of dust.
i like to think that they are around me. that they see what i do, and are proud. that when i use the things that remind me of them, that we are somehow drawn a little closer, recovering some of the distance that time and death have put between us.
Gran, Grampa, Mum, Bill.